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God Must Have A Good Sense Of Humor!

Thomas S. Ellsworth
The Good Clean Fun web site
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BUT FIRST SYNDROME:

"I call it "But First" Syndrome. You know. It's when you decide to do the
laundry. So you start down the stairs with the laundry, but then see the
newspapers on the table. OK, you'll do the laundry.

BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away. So on your way in to put
the newspapers away, you notice the mail on the table. OK, you'll put the
newspapers away.

BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid. So you look for the
checkbook. Oops...there's the baby's bottle from yesterday on the floor.
OK, you'll pay the bill.

BUT FIRST you need to put the bottle in the sink. You head for the kitchen.
Darn it, there's the remote for the TV. What's it doing here? Okay, you'll
put the bottle in the sink.

BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away. Head for the TV room. Aaagh!
Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, you'll put the remote away.

BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat...

So, here's what happens at the end of the day: Laundry is not done,
newspapers are still on the floor, bottle is on the table, bill are unpaid,
checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control ...

And, when you try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, you are
baffled because .....you KNOW you were BUSY ALL DAY!!

That's the "BUT FIRST" Syndrome."

Thomas S. Ellsworth - Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
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Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Barney) -Tom

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know
what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was
handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Becky) -Tom

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms, I
worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork
until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him.
Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room.
To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and
immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends.
"Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you are grounded for two weeks!"
"Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework
right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been
grounded."

Originally found at Best Of Humor
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Welcome to GEEK WEEK!

"If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants." - Isaac Newton

"In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand." - Gerald Holton

"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." - Hal Abelson

"In computer science, we stand on each other's feet." - Brian Reid

~~~ Would you like the rustproof undercoating? ~~~

So, you WANT to be a geek, but just don't know how to get started?
Fret no more, the computer syntax of your dreams is now an easy
selection away; the fast path to total Geekdom awaits you!

How to Select a Programming Language

Assembler - A formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive
and maintain.

FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.

FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford.

FORTRAN 77 - a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission
and no seat belts.

COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.

BASIC      - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
              upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
              You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.

PL/I       - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a
              two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust
              pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.

C          - A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional
              seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
              assembler).

ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.

Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectual types.

Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.

ALGOL 68 - An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone
can drive it.

LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are
not available.

PROLOG     - Prototype concept cars.
   /LUCID
Maple      - All-terrain vehicles.
   /MACSYMA
FORTH      - A go-cart.

LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a
real engine and a working horn.

APL        - A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of
              passengers to the same place all at the same time but
              it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.

Ada        - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
              power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard.
              No other colors or options are available. If it's good
              enough for generals, it's good enough for you.

- Sent by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
- Original Source Unknown
Send new geek jokes to: geeks@graceweb.org

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Welcome to GEEK WEEK!

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Well, back from climbing... Ya know, you haven't lived untill you
take 20 foot fall on your rope... while 150 feet up a cliff! Wheeee!
It's the irrestable geek urge to test mechanisims (like camming devices
placed in cracks) to see if they *really* work! So, to all other geeks,
you'll like this week's jokes! (Send new ones to: geeks@graceweb.org)

~~~

    "Take off your engineering hat and put on your management hat."
                          - Thiokol (makers of Space Shuttle booster
                            rockets) management, January, 27th, 1986

~~~ Are you an Engineer? ~~~

THE TEST

Fist, let's establish: Are you a geek-at-heart? What answer to the
following question do you feel most inclined to:

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...

    A. Straighten it.
    B. Ignore it.
    C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
       solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating
       aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody
who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the
whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
interaction.

    "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
social interaction:
      * Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
      * Important social contacts
      * A feeling of connectedness with other humans

    In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives
for social interactions:
      * Get it over with as soon as possible.
      * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
      * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will
need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't
understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without
wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer
can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would
make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box
full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no
appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no private parts
or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective
of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.
It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
portrayed as heroes, occasionally even mating with aliens. This is
much more glamorous than the real social life of an engineer.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ
various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many
normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people
harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-
like children who will have high-paying jobs long before they start
dating.

Male engineers reach their peak of physical attractiveness later than
normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
to late forties. Just look at these examples of irresistible men in
technical professions:

    * Bill Gates.
    * MacGyver.
    * Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible to male engineers at the age of
consent and remain that way until, oh, about their clinical death.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away
from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle
the truth.

    Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things
that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be
expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed
below.
        "I won't change anything without asking you first."
        "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
        "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
        "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness
or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply
a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation
while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability
to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything
else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be
pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have
started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a
degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming
is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she
snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can.
This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little
mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

    EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
      * Hindenberg.
      * Space Shuttle Challenger.
      * SPANet(tm)
      * Hubble space telescope.
      * Apollo 13.
      * Titanic.
      * Ford Pinto.
      * Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:

* RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
* REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is
not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a
second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too
much."

EGO

    Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
      * How smart they are.
      * How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare
that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an
unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is
sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges
quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of
nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a
problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed
in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better
than anything else.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at
the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along
these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve
difficult technical problems."

    At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the
problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

                                - As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
                                                - Original Source Unknown
Thank to Chet C. for today's joke!
Send clean geek (Geeks who bathe?) jokes to: geeks@graceweb.org

~~~~~~ Sent by Laugh-A-Lot! - The daily clean-jokes-only list! ~~~~~~
Weekend Edition!

~~~ Keepin' up the product lines! ~~~

Pfizer has now taken to improving the overall performance of men...

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug actually noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to
noticing new clothing.

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when
they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

FASHONAGRA - Men on this drug suddenly do not need their wife's
advice to match clothing!

NEGA-LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be truthful when being asked
about their personal affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand
Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other
family members.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a
new one.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs
of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects
into "special prosecutors."

-As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org

Thank to "y'all" for today's joke!

HERE ARE SOME FUNNY LINKS Laugh-A-Lot! Thomas S. Ellsworth

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