And the Journey begins...

My family life was as you would say, out of the ordinary, however I was unaware of that until I left home. I had no idea we were poor, I did not realize the dysfunctionality of my life until I could look back and see the problems therein. One could presume this ignorance gave me an "ignorant bliss'...I was not blissful, I was a meloncholy child, prone to being very shy, I tried to be invisible and not draw untoward attention to my self. I had been abused physically, emotionally and sexually from a very early age. The realities I found myself exposed to created in me the perfect foundation for some type of disorder, I chose the eating disorders... I distinctly recall looking with great disdain at my mother, she was short and quite round...I recall asking her If she thought I would grow up to be fat...Her innocent reply set off my Journey. The reply was "If it is in your blood to be fat, you will be fat" I looked at her and several of my blood relations and seeing as they were exceptionally large, I just "knew" my fate was sealed. I was determined then and there that I would rather die thin than live as a fat person. I remember laying in bed at night, begging God to 'show' me the way I would look when I was REALLY old,(the age I thought was REALLY old was 33). I prayed and begged to have God promise me that I would never be fat... I was able to skip meals quite easily, my parents did not get up to see us off to school, so breakfast was not monitored. At school if I slipped into the library for lunchtime reading nobody seemed to notice. When at home I could say I was going to a friend's home for supper and once there, I would comment on the large supper I had at home...Nobody seemed to notice, or to be overly concerned about my size. In 8th grade I was measured for gym class...I was taller than even most of the boys at that age...5'8" and I weighed 85#. Nobody seemed concerned about my size, so I went on deluding myself that thin was a good thing. I was active in sports, Track & Field,Karate club, Ballet classes at school...all these brought me close to adults who could have seen, but for one reason or another did not say anything.

In 9th grade I began experimenting with Bulimia, ironically it was after Karen Carpenter's death that I first heard that these behaviors could be deadly. I saw my disorder as a "sport" I could eat pizza, chips or icecream and then moments later throw it up and never gain weight. I was terribly impressed with my cleverness...I would get a "runner's high" after purging. I would never consume more than a "normal" serving, so I did not really fit the typical stereotype of a bulimic...but I was purging on a fairly regular basis. Then the irregular heartbeats began, I did not know they were something to be concerned about and I never told anyone about them. I also would get very dizzy as I stood up to go from class to class...I hid that also. I was neve quite warm enough and took to wearing my winter coat during classes, I would wear 2 pair of jeans over long john's and still be cold. I had terrible insomnia...and my menstrual cycle was late to start. I did not go through puberty along with the rest of my friends...my teeth were loose in their sockets from the dehydration. I began having very sore sides and mid back pain in the mornings. My mom thought I had kidney infections and told me to drink more water.

I began having real food aversions and fears of eating in public places. Irrational thoughts dominated my thinking. For example, I would have a rapid pulse and racing thoughts as I would look for food to eat. Hunger gnawed at me, yet as I opened cupboards and looked at the foods there I was doing mental calculations regarding each choice...as in fat grams and calories. It was often easier to not eat at all than to be burdened with the guilt that ravaged me after eating more than 200 calories or 3 grams of fat at a time. I completely avoided saturated fats, red meats, and creams or butters. I knew I could only have those if I purged afterwards and it was at times difficult to find a safe purging area...Although I did get quite clever, taking walks and using a neighbors trash can, using the large cup from fast food resturaunts to then hold the contents of my stomach. I also had the irrational fears that I would somehow catch "obesity", I could not stand too close to a "fat" person, would not eat in a resturaunt if there were fat folks there eating. I thought..."she is eating enough for both of us" I would lose my appetite, but the hunger was there...I realize that doesn't make sense, How can you have no appetite but still feel hungry?? The hunger pains I found would go away after 3 days of severe food deprivations. I took to chewing crushed ice sprinkled with salt to take the hunger pangs away. I could live on a head of lettuce salted and a container of yogurt for a week. I even took to chewing food then spitting it out to just get a taste of stuff. I constantly had gum in my mouth...It made me feel less hunger for some reason.

My weight was not as alarming as I neared my 20's I was then 5'10" and usually weighed near 120#. I was slender but not emaciated. I still had the irregular heart beats, side pains in the morning and the cold intolerances that I had when at my lowest weight. I began using the Bulimic binges to erase emotional pain. I imagined the food to be absorbing all the negativity in me, then as I purged I believed all the bad feelings were being purged as well. There is a physiological response to purging,the endorphin rush that naturally occurs made me believe all the more that this was an effective way to handle stress. I certainly had life stressors.

I married a man that I did not love after being told by the love of my life to have an abortion, I figured if I just got married and gave my baby a father all would be okay...Soon, though I realized this man could not love me the way a husband should love a woman, he was homosexual and only married me to show his parents a "normal" looking family structure. During this marriage my Bulimia got out of control and during the pregnancy of my 2nd child I was not keeping food down at all. I joined a support group and only learned new more efficient ways to purge. Not all people get helped in a helpful environment ...One has to be ready to get helped, not be forced to be there. I saw ladies skinnier than myself and then deluded myself that I was not as bad off as them, or I would see heavier ladies and get paranoid that I would look like them if I did not keep up the behaviors. As I look back to this time of my life, I have to believe I was for a time mentally ill. My thoughts were so irrational, so mixed up and sound so "crazy" to me now.

I eventually was divorced by my husband and then went to nursing school so I could then provide for my 2 sons. I met my best friend in college, his name is Chris and he is now my husband. He loves me and knows everything about me. He accepts me as I am, not as I look. He holds me accountable, he does not pretend to understand the thinking of a ED patient...I can not understand it so how can I expect anyone else to? He understands my heart, my beliefs and my faith...this is the greatest gift God has ever given to me. I made a verbal contract with him in college that I would not binge/purge anymore...after my little heart attack scare. I was able to keep my word to him over 10 years with out a relapse, mostly due to my great respect and admiration of him. I can not imagine having him look at me with disappointment or regrets.

A jump to the Diagnosis...I was eventually going to suffer from the life I had chosen. I have had 5 miscarriages between having 4 healthy babies. I was diagnosed with chronic renal failure and will never be able to undo the damage to my kidneys. While in nursing school at the age of 28 I had a heart attack, minimal damage was done, but that pretty much made me realize what I was doing to myself. I do not know what the future holds for me, I only know that with God and my husband behind me, I can make the best out of the time I have left. I encourage all who either suffer with an ED or who know someone with an ED to seek the help of a good support person, pray fervently and get yourself grounded in Christ, He is the great Physician and is there for all who ask!