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My Testimony
Hidden Pain
I stand alone in a darken room, no one around to see the tears stream down, but I don't care. So tired of am I of doing all this, and I pray that it will stop this day.
Why should I fight or even care. It won't matter if I cry or beg. I close my eyes to hide it all. Why can't he just leave me alone. So still I stay, a stone statue I could have been. Coldness floods through me along with disgust, at him, at myself. How sick can one person be! Can't he see he is hurting me.
I use to cry and fight, even run and tell. Backs turned, people looked away. Why can't someone stop all this? Don't they care? I must not be worth it. They don't love me. And if they can't love me, who can? So I must not be worth very much if my own mother couldn't be bothered.
My problems were all my mine, something I could never share! But who would even listen? How I longed for something to replace all the hurt and shame, to find someone who would care.
As time went on loneliness was there, as was my offender. He was always there. Everyday I lived with fear, but what could I do? LIfe became something I hated, because of all I was lacking. But I held on and pushed forward. Why? I have no idea! I thought of death and knew I couldn't. What would that accomplish, but an eternity in Hell! I wanted all the good things that others had, but had no idea where to even begin. I had no good friends. i think back now and know why. I never thought myself good enough. And thought to myself," They don't like me, why should they? I have nothing to offer. I'm just not worth it."
Long days and longer nights await each rising of the sun. Days filled with misery and nights filled with longing as silent tears would fall. I would dream of happier times, if only I could remember! There is a cloud that always overshadows my every move and thought. Joy, true happiness! What is that? I laugh, but does it sound so hollow to everyone else. No, I don't think I know joy. Where can I find it?
Now I'm older and I lay in my bed, glad this time I am alone. I ponder things and wonder,"why did God but me here, in this place, at this time? What purpose does He have? What could this possibly help?" Questions plague me as this pain returns. I can't help but wonder what this lesson I learned so well, would be of any help.
Through the years i go back and see me as I was and the tears still flow. The hurt and rejection are still there. But who to blame? there are too many to name!
People come and people go, but but all I can see is this child who reaches out, but never gets seen. No one sees the love that is there, the true kindness that shines in her eyes. The tender heart that cares. A soul damaged by life, but so willing to live! Won't someone stop, to take just a minute to really look. To find a beginning so that and end would come and the pain be gone.
I look in the miror, deep into my eyes, past the image of an older me. the first thing I see is pain followed by fear. Loniliness? of course it was always there. I look closer still. A teenager stares back. Things are clearer to me know, somethings I thought I had forgotten. Dreams that never came true, pushed back to the farthest regions of my soul. How I longed for rescue in any shape or form. Still waiting for someone. But who wants to listen! I wait, but my patients is gone. I have to be strong and stand on my own. If no one will help, then I will help myself. If no one will love, then I will love myself. Because I am the only one I can depend on. True strength comes from within, lies in the heart, your soul, your very being. I will become my own friend and be the best friend I can be. I will stop all this, you just wait and see!
The young lady in the mirror that day found peace. For first you have to love yourself then others will see! That life is better when one has love for thyself. For who knows you better than that little child so full of fear or the young lady who has no dreams. Both have hungered and felt the need for all the things that love brings.
So I say Fear Not little one, I will protect. Let your heart be free and the hurt go. Young lady stand tall and let your dreams soar. higher, farther, there you go! The time has come for you all to know that I love you more than you could ever know.
I am a 24 year old female and married. As you can tell by my story I went through many typs of abuse. I lived in a Christian home and went to church every Sunday with my mother. It was hard for me to understand through my teens into my young adult years why God would allow me to go through all of what I had. But with the help of christian friends and alot of prayer I realized that God did not want me to go through what I did, He did not do this to me. I don't know the answers to all the Why's, but I know that God will turn around and use our situations to help others.
Many go through abuse and are too scared and embarrassed to get help. They hide in a shell and try to lead a normal happy life, but the situations around us reminds us of our past, bringing back memories we thought were long gone
I have felt the pain, rejection, shame and bitterness. I hid it deep inside my heart, thought that I was "over it". Then one day I read a story a friend had wrote and I was flooded with an intense pain. Shame and bitterness became my constant companion. Most of the time the pain was almost unbarable
I cried out for mercy. God sent a wonderful lady into my life that now in my heart will be forever called mom. With her in time I would feel comfortable enough to share my whole story. I needed to hear another voice tell me that I had no reason to feel ashamed and that it was not my fault. People who just know a small part of our story can easily say that, but we don't believe them! Because they don't know the deep dark secrets we hide in our heart. Sometimes we need to bring the dark into light, then we can see it clearly!
God knows what we need to heal and He will provide an answer and a way. He knew i needed to hear those words. I was able to let go of the shame!He Gave me the mother that I had been needing all these years, He knew that I needed the love of a parent that would never reject me. For that I will continuely thank Him and praise Him all the days of my life! But we have to let God into our lives. We have to give Him our pain! He will never let us down! He will send the answer! Give Him a chance to heal the hurts in our in our life!
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