To combat loneliness and boredom Kimmy spent as many hours as possible at the office. Most of it was on her own time because the school didn't pay overtime.
Kimmy started drinking again. In the morning she would fil a travel mug and drink as she drove to work. By the time she arrived at her office, she was buzzed.
Kimmy grew tired of the routine very quickly. She needed something to occupy her mind. So finally she bought a portable stereo and brought it back to her room.
Kimmy turned the radio on and began searching the stations. She stopped at one that sounded interesting. "Oh, they are talking about God's love again," she thought. But she couldn't bring herself to change the station, she kept listening. It wasn't like the preachy gospel stuff she had heard first at church then at college.
Every night Kimmy would come home from work and turn the radio on and just listen. Eventually she bought some tapes of the music they played that she liked. She purchased books and began reading.
One evening while the radio played and Kimmy lay on her bed reading, she had a sense of someone else there with her. She looked up and across the room on the dresser, she could see the half empty bottle. She continued reading. When she looked up again the bottle was gone. She didn't remember getting up and getting it, but she had. She had dumped it in the sink and threw the bottle in the trash.
A few nights later, while she read, Kimmy thought she heard a noise. She paused from reading and listened. The voice came from deep within her, calling her name, "I am here, my child," it said. Kimmy found herself on her knees beside her bed, "I give up, God," she cried, "I can't do this alone".
Kimmy suddenly felt joy and peace flood her soul. Still on her knees she began to sob.
Kimmy began attending church again that week. Her first Sunday there, she ran into the mother of one of her old classmates. The two talked for a while and Kimmy began meeting her every week at her home.
Anita was always worried about Kimmy, although Kimmy never realized it. "Why don't you cry?" Anita asked her one night while they sat in her living room. Anita was 1 of the only people that knew Kimmy's past. "Don't need to," Kimmy said, "I'm fine". But Anita wouldn't let it go at that. Her husband was a therapist and she could tell when someone needed help. Together they led Kimmy to a therapist who dealt with abuse and dysfunctional families.
The therapist didn't even flinch. " I deal with that all the time," she said softly, so the two began working. Kimmy's therapist spent almost as much time praying with her as she did counseling her.
The process was frightening. Part of her therapy required her to keep a journal. She began having flashbacks. One minute she was 4 with the old man, the next she was 12 with her brother.
As each memory came back, Kimmy would write in her journal. "You have to gve this to me , Kimmy," She could hear God say, " I can't," Kimmy choked, How could she tell him about such things? She was so ashamed.
But she did tell Him. Little by little, things surfaced and each memory she would give to God Each time, she felt just a little freer. After months of work, her therapist said she was finished. It was like being released from life in prison.
Now that Kimmy was healed, she expected life to be easy, but it was not. She met a man at work, one of their students. The two became friends, and he showed genuine interest in Kimmy. But Kimmy found herself still on her guard. Whenever Bill would get too close, Kimmy's wall would go up. She knew he was different than the others she had known, but she just couldn't help it.
Bill was patient with her, in spite of Kimmy's attempts to sabotage their relationship. Often, she would pick fights with him for no reason. She still had an explosive temper. If Bill said or did something that reminded Kimmy of someone from her past, she would lose it. Then the flashbacks would start again, but less intense than before. Each time, Bill would just hold her and tell her she would be okay.
It didn't happen often, but once in a while Kimmy would slip back into her old self and begin drinking. She just couldn't be around alcohol without wanting to drink. Once she started, she would get drunk.
Through all this, Kimmy clung desperately in her faith. Each time she faltered, Kimmy would pray. Each time it still amazed her when God showed He was still there for her. She had such a hard time with her image of Him, because she never really had a father figure she could look up to. In time, however, she learned to trust that He would not let her go.
Conclusion
I know there are alot of Kimmys' out there. You are men and women who have known shame and betrayal at the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect them.
I know Kimmy's story well, you see, I am Kimmy. I learned a number of things on my journey. You can't deal with abuse on your own, and certainly not until you're ready. Healing involves surrendering, for a time, to all the pain, and letting go of the anger. How do you just let go of something that's been part of your personality? I wore anger like a mask, to keep people from getting too close. Yet, I hated the lonliness.
The greatest lesson of all, however, is that you cannot be truly free of your past until you have forgiven those that have hurt you. I know that sounds impossible, and it is, if you try to do it on your own. That kind forgiveness can only come from God.
The reason Kimmy's prayer with her pastor didn't work is that she hadn't totally surrendered the anger and pain. Religion in and of itself just did not have the answers for her. It was only when she gave her heart to the One who gave His life for her, that the wall she built around herself, began to crumble. The One I am talking about is Jesus Christ.
If you have taken the time to read this far, your obviously looking for something or can identify with the experience. My fervant prayer for you today is that my story will help you realize no matter where you've been, or what you've been through, Jesus is waiting for you with open arms. Once you've known His touch, your life will never be the same!
Let's stop the madness!
I know Kimmy's story well, you see, I am Kimmy. I learned a number of things on my journey. You can't deal with abuse on your own, and certainly not until you're ready. Healing involves surrendering, for a time, to all the pain, and letting go of the anger. How do you just let go of something that's been part of your personality? I wore anger like a mask, to keep people from getting too close. Yet, I hated the lonliness.
The greatest lesson of all, however, is that you cannot be truly free of your past until you have forgiven those that have hurt you. I know that sounds impossible, and it is, if you try to do it on your own. That kind forgiveness can only come from God.
The reason Kimmy's prayer with her pastor didn't work is that she hadn't totally surrendered the anger and pain. Religion in and of itself just did not have the answers for her. It was only when she gave her heart to the One who gave His life for her, that the wall she built around herself, began to crumble. The One I am talking about is Jesus Christ.
If you have taken the time to read this far, your obviously looking for something or can identify with the experience. My fervant prayer for you today is that my story will help you realize no matter where you've been, or what you've been through, Jesus is waiting for you with open arms. Once you've known His touch, your life will never be the same!
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