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A Rape , The Abortion, My Daughter’s Pregnancy And The Road to Healing by Barbara Killion
The Rape I was raped by someone I knew and trusted. At the time, I was running a home daycare and I was caring for this person’s children. This rape changed my life and how I looked at myself, my husband and men in general for years. I felt I was no longer the same person. My thinking and ability to reason wasn't the same and I made some very devastating choices that made things even worse. In the days and weeks that followed, my life was in a fog. I didn't turn this man in because I was in shock that such a thing could happen to me. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and partly to blame because I had trusted this man. I had allowed him in my home. In fact I continued to watch his children and associate with him and his family, which made absolutely no sense. None of this had been normal behavior. This person would call me and apologize, but would add that he was a "Christian" and no one would believe me so I had better not tell anyone. He made me feel like I was to blame for his actions. I actually started to believe that it was partly my fault for being so trusting and naive. He told me that my husband would leave me and take my kids away. I started to panic when I didn't start my period for the second month in a row. I screamed in my head, “OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BE PREGNANT!!!" yet at the same time I thought "OH MY GOD, I AM GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!" I love children dearly. In other words I knew deep inside that what was growing inside of me was a child even though it wasn't my husbands. I found myself in yet another crisis situation and I wasn't coping too well. I cried a lot. I felt like I wanted to run away and die. The fog in my head got worse and I continued to make bad choices. While all this was happening I continued to run my daycare and pretend that everything was OK. I told my husband I thought I was pregnant. He was in shock because he had had a vasectomy years earlier. I took a test, and yes, I was pregnant. I felt like my life was on a roller coaster. I told friends and family that Rick and I were going to have another child. I came to love this child in just a few short weeks. Rick called his doctor and found out that there was no way he could be the father of this child. Rick began to ask me questions. I told him about the rape and he was deeply grieved and angry. I didn't tell him who the person was out of fear and also wanting to protect this man’s wife and kids. When I was around 10 weeks pregnant, Rick came home from work and announced to me that he had made an appointment for me to get an abortion the next morning. Again my world came crashing down. Rick had talked to a friend of ours, who was also a doctor,about our situation. This doctor told Rick that it wasn't a baby yet and this was the best thing he could do for me . As Rick told me this, I slipped deeper and deeper away from the person I used to be. I should have run straight to God, but I didn't. I made yet another mistake, which was keeping silent about how I really felt about this child. I had become numb. I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't want to think or feel anything anymore. I had no real opinion about abortion. I knew nothing about abortion or fetal development even though I already had two children. Deep inside I did know that abortion would end the life of my child, yet I still said nothing. I remember waking up crying and hearing the doctor at the foot of the table tell another woman to get me out before anyone heard me crying. I felt as if I had cried through the whole procedure even though I was put to sleep. I will never forget their uncaring, cold attitudes. I was offered orange juice and crackers to help me feel better. Rick met me at the back door and I left with him, still crying. I was haunted for years that I had left my child there in that horrible place. Rick and I didn't talk about what had happened in there for years. When we got home I remember laying on the couch talking to Rick about what we would say happened to the baby. We agreed to lie and say I had a miscarriage. I made phone calls to my parents and Rick’s parents and told them I had lost the baby. When Brenda and Rhonda came home from school, I told them that I had a miscarriage. They were so sad to hear about the baby. This tore a huge hole in my heart because I knew the truth. I knew what I had done. I had no lasting physical complications from my abortion, but the emotional complications compounded and lasted for years to come. They affected all aspects of my life. Part of me was left behind in that abortion clinic. I would stuff my feelings until I could stuff them no longer. I would explode into tears that would last for hours. I remember standing at the sink washing dishes and I would be crying. Brenda and Rhonda would ask me what was wrong and I remember saying that I was just feeling sad, or I didn't really know why I was crying. Rick would try to comfort me, but nothing worked. I would go on long walks so I could cry by myself, or I would cry in the shower. I would ask God over and over again to forgive me. The truth be known, I hated myself. I was trying so hard to keep my secret. I was afraid if someone knew that I had had an abortion, they would hate me. The abortion now overshadowed the rape. I would dream about my baby. I remember dreaming of rocking her and singing to her and then someone would steal her from me. I remember the strong urge to get pregnant again, to replace the child I aborted. I argued continually with Rick for him to get his vasectomy reversed so I could have another baby. I began to suffer physically because of the emotional strain and anxiety I was under. I was sick constantly with the flu, head colds, tonsillitis, and walking pneumonia. I had such a deep emptiness, an ache in my heart. I tried to make myself feel better but nothing worked. I thought that if I could make myself look better on the outside, then I would feel better on the inside. I developed TMJ (a medical term for clenching my teeth to the point that I damaged my jawbones). I was told that I needed to have braces put on to prevent further damage. I was glad for the braces because this would straighten my teeth and "improve me". As my teeth began to get straight I still didn't like my looks, so I talked my husband into letting me have breast augmentation surgery. I was sure this would help me feel better about myself. This didn't work either. I still felt terrible on the inside. No one around me knew what I was really feeling, I kept everything hidden inside. The only person who knew what I was going through was Jesus. He kept calling me to come to him, but I kept running in the other direction. I was so scared and filled with guilt. I knew if I stopped running long enough, I would have to look at what I had really done. I had murdered my own child. We all began to walk closer to God and to seek His counsel and guidance after we learned of Brenda’s pregnancy. God's unconditional love is what held us all together. For the first time in years, Rick and I talked about the wrong choice we had made. We had been Christians for years. I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 12 and Rick when he was around 16. We were Christians, but we weren't really living for Jesus. He now became Lord of our lives and things began to change. There were lots of court visits and the man who impregnated Brenda spent time in jail for statutory rape. Andy was born on August 21 of 1992. I was there with Brenda, along with her dad and sister, while she was in labor and we got to watch my first grandchild being born. Witnessing the birth of my grandson, Andy, was such a wonderful, amazing thing. I thank God that Brenda chose life for him. I can't imagine life without Andy. As I began the training to prepare me for the work ahead, I had no idea what I would learn. I learned about abortion procedures, what happens to the woman both physically and emotionally ,as well as what happens to the babies. I was horrified! I learned about fetal development and was shocked to see a picture of a 10 week old child. This child had 10 fingers and 10 toes. My child was 10 weeks old and she had a heartbeat and brain waves when she was aborted. These classes were very hard on me, and I would cry out to God for forgiveness during the one-hour drive home. Each day of the training sessions, something always came up that I could use as an excuse not to go, but somehow I kept attending. I felt that if I told any one I had had an abortion they would throw me out, so I kept my secret. I completed all the classes. During the interview with the director of the center, she asked me if I had any previous abortions. My heart began to race, I was having a difficult time breathing and I began to sweat. Despite my reactions to her question and to my amazement, I answered honestly. The director was a very compassionate woman and talked to me about going through a post-abortion bible study. In fact, she said it was mandatory in order for me to be a volunteer. So I enrolled in the bible study. The first night I was supposed to attend the post-abortion bible study, I was so scared . I wanted to back out. I had lots of reasons why I couldn't go. One of them was that I was recovering from a bad case of Shingles. Shingles are brought on by stress and anxiety. The devil did not want me to attend these bible studies, but I was determined to go. There were 5 women there beside myself. Turns out we all had similar abortion stories. It was hard at first. There were lots of tears, but it felt so freeing to be able to talk about what had happened. I was able to talk about my shame, fear, guilt and grief over what I had done. We talked about our anger about the lies that we were told by the abortion doctors.
God had begun a new work in me. I began to comprehend God's Grace and Mercy. The fog in my head was clearing up. I was beginning to feel new and washed as white as snow because of what Jesus had done for me on the cross. I was dealing with my denial, my anger, and my unforgiveness. I had never been allowed to grieve the death of my child so I could not let her go. The bible study covered all these areas. I learned about God's Nature and man’s nature. Wow, what a difference!
I have been the director of the post-abortion ministry at the Pregnancy Center since 1995. The name of the Bible study I lead is Healing Hearts of Healing Hearts Ministries. Many young girls and women have changed lives because of Pregnancy Centers and Healing Hearts Ministries.  Photo: Barbara, on right, with Julie Chrisman, a co-leader in the Healing Hearts Bible Study, and Norma McCorvey(center) of the Roe v. Wade decision.If you have had an abortion(s) please know that there is hope for you. No matter what the reason was that you had an abortion, believe me, you won't ever forget what you have done. It will come up again and again to haunt you, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the road, or even longer. Abortion will affect your relationship with God, your relationship with your boyfriend or your husband or your kids. Please seek help. Healing Hearts has a web page you can go to for more information and help. It's at healinghearts.org , or you may e-mail me at praisehim18@hotmail.com if you have any questions for me. Abortion has left a scar on my heart, but praises to God, therer is no longer any pain. I have been forgiven and set free! In Christ's Name, Barbara
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