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When I was growing up, my dream was to be a teacher. Why? I don't think I really knew the reason why. It just seemed like the thing to do. Children usually want to mimic and imitate the people they are around the most. I was brought up in the public school system, so of course the adults I interacted with most throughout the day were teachers.
My dream of being a teacher quickly faded when I went into high school. I no longer cared to be a teacher. In fact, I didn't really care about what my future held. College? Yeah, right. I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was thinking about friends to hang out with and parties to go to. Those were my empty, rebellious years.
My world came crashing to the ground though when I found out I was pregnant at the age of 15. I was being forced to think about my future with an unborn baby growing inside me. It's almost like I grew up overnight. On Monday I found out from my doctor that I was pregnant. I missed school on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday because I was emotionally and physically sick from the news. I had the flu even though I knew I hadn't caught the flu from anyone else. By Friday, which seemed like a whole year had passed, I was a different person. I went to school hoping that nobody would know about my shameful news, but that was impossible in a school of only 100 students.
Between February when I found out I was pregnant and June when I had finished my Sophomore year of high school, I was no longer the wild and partying Brenda. I was a different Brenda...one that didn't fit in with her old, rebellious friends and one that didn't quite fit in with the "in-crowd" because of my pregnancy. Did I think about my future now? You're darn right I did! What was I going to do as a mom?!
Andy, my son, was born only 2 weeks before I started my Junior year of high school. Andy stayed at home with my mom and the other children in her day care while I went back to school full-time. Stepping back into the classroom for the first time, I felt like it was the last place I wanted to be. I wanted to be home with my baby, but sadly I knew there was no other way. Because of the poor choices of my past, my son and I both had to pay. We were both apart from each other during school hours which was 8 hours too long for me! But I stuck with my studies and ended up with almost an "A" average my Junior and Senior years of high school.
For most high schoolers, the Senior year is one to think about which colleges to apply to. Should this have been any different for me because I was a mother? Apparently others didn't think so. Instead of looking to teaching as a career, I focused on my writing skills. I was the Student Body secretary and Yearbook editor, so I was told that I'd make a great journalist. My grandfather had been a journalist and the Sports Editor of the Van Nuys paper many years before that. Writing was in my blood! Journalism sounded right up my alley, or did it?
I applied for a scholarship to The Associated Press which would pay everything at college plus give me an internship and learn hands-on the things that journalists learn. Surprisingly, I was called for an interview at The Associated Press' main building in Downtown Los Angeles. I was competing with one other lady, a Freshman in college. Here I was, a 17-year-old mother, competing for a scholarship prize that had never even had a high schooler be in the finalists for. This must be for me! This must be where God wants me!
As my parents drove me to the huge high-rise building where ThAssociated Press kept their offices, I felt so nervous. Downtown Los Angeles was so intimidating to a high school girl who had only lived in a town with no stop lights or stop signs and only 4 rows of houses! My stomach churned while I went through with the interview and was told that I'd receive a call later that week letting me know their decision. Several days later, I got a call telling me that the college lady had won the scholarship and internship. What was this... a feeling of relief on my part? I can almost remember letting out a sigh of gratitude.
I knew in my heart that I didn't want the fast-paced, L.A., rat-race lifestyle, but I was led to believe that this was what I should be striving for. A full-time career. This was what was spoken of constantly, but somehow others overlooked the fact that I had a little boy that needed his mother. And because of my naivety, I never searched for something different than what was going on around me. I was following the crowd again just as I had when I was a rebellious teen, but this time I was following the "right" crowd. But something didn't feel right.
Even though I was turned down from The Associated Press scholarship, I didn't take that as a sign from the Lord to focus on Andy full-time. I took a long detour trying to do things the way the world worked. It wasn't until another whole year had passed until I put an immediate halt to the dead-end-of-the-life I was following.
I received three scholarships upon my graduation from high school and I enrolled in Cal State Bakersfield. Andy was 2 years old by this time. I was his mother, but my own mom was his caretaker for several days a week when I drove the one-hour commute to school. Three days a week I was gone for 12 hours a day. I not only attended classes that were required. I went above and beyond the general electives I needed. Surprisingly, the communications classes I took were very boring to me and I was quickly losing interest. I didn't really know what else to do besides go to college. What else was there- stay home and "mooch" off my parents? During those first few months of college, there were two life-changing events that occurred in my life.
My best friend, Mike, joined the Navy. Mike and I had been courting since Andy was 4 months old and we knew we wanted to eventually get married. But during my senior year of high school, in the midst of my confusion, I broke things off with him. I didn't know what I wanted out of life and for no reason at all, I told him I no longer wanted to marry him. This broke his heart because he had bonded with Andy immediately. He had dreams of being Andy's daddy and having more children. But now that I knew that Mike was leaving for the Navy, I had second thoughts. I felt my heart aching over him. I knew then that he was the one the Lord had picked out for me to spend the rest of my life with. Before Mike left for the Navy, we were commited to getting married after his Basic Training. My thoughts started transforming from full-time career woman and journalist to full-time homemaker.
The other life-changing event that took place was that my 2-year-old son came down with a bad case of whooping cough. For many weeks we didn't know what was wrong until an old doctor heard his cough and diagnosed him right away. It hurt me so much to call home from college throughout the day to talk to Andy on the phone, but he was unable to even say more than a few words because of his coughing spasms. My mom or Mike was there holding his ear to the phone. That should have been me holding him! This mother should have been there to hold her little boy and comfort him in the midst of that horrible illness that left scar tissue on his lungs, yet I was at college getting my degree! It didn't make sense to me. Was this what other mothers did? Sacrifice. Sacrifice their motherhood, but even worse than that is sacrifice their children's trust for the prize of "degree" or "career"?! I wanted out of this cycle of family degradation as soon as possible, but would you believe it? I was scared not to go to college. What would become of me if I was a drop-out? I would bring shame to my family because there had never been anyone in our family graduate from college. All eyes were on me and here I was, blowing a chance of a lifetime.
While Mike was at boot camp, I wrote letters back and forth with him and told him my thoughts. I told him that I no longer wanted to go to college. I didn't really want to be an editor or journalist. I wanted to stay home and take care of Andy and be there for him. Mike agreed with his whole heart that this was the right decision to make. Now it was time to approach my parents with my idea. I think I was even more nervous about telling my parents that I wanted to quit college than I was when I went in for The Associated Press interview! Why would I be like that when my past had proven to me over and over again that my parents were loving, supportive people? I thought my mind was playing horrible tricks on me when I could visualize my dad shaking his head with shame, but now I know that it wasn't my mind. It was Satan who didn't want to see me make this major decision that would strengthen my marriage and my bond to my son. When I broke the news to my parents about me not wanting to finish college, I remember the words coming from my mouth, "I just want to stay home". Oh, the shame I made myself feel when I said those words.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have said, "I'm dropping out of the rat race to be a Life Changer! I want to be the mother that God has called me to be!" My mom told me that she thought I was making the right decision and my dad agreed. Their approval meant the world to me. They thought that being a homemaker was important!
This is my season at home. This is my season to nurture. One day in the distant future when my children are all grown and moved-out, the Lord may give my husband and me a different ministry or task to complete outside of the home- only He knows what the future holds. But for now, this...my home, my children...they are my high calling.
I have been a homemaker since Andy was 2.5 years old. In 1995 I made the choice to be the wife and mother that God planned for me to be. The Brenda of yesterday is gone. Yesterday I dreamed of being a paid teacher and a writer. Yesterday I dreamed of carrying on the family tradition of journalist and editor. Yesterday I dreamed of being "somebody important". Yesterday I dreamed of making a difference as a reporter. But I no longer have those dreams.
Today I AM a teacher! I am a teacher to my 5 children 24 hours a day. I nurture them from the moment they wake up in the morning to tucking them in bed at night. Today I AM a writer! I follow my own deadlines and only write when the Lord gives me ideas and stirs my heart. I AM carrying on the family tradition of writing. It isn't lost forever. I just didn't need a degree or a title to prove that I am worthy. The Lord has given me that honor Himself. Today I AM somebody important! I am a mother and wife! No class in college would have taught me the tenderness and the fullness I now have. No occupation in this world could have taught me the things I know and feel and live since I have accepted the privilege of full-time mother. Today I am making a difference in the lives of my five children. One day soon I will get to see the fruits of my actions. I will know without a doubt that the "sacrifice" I made by quitting college and saying "no" to a career weren't really a sacrifice, but a beautiful blessing. Nothing else in my life has mattered more than my family. I am so thankful that the Lord showed me the way home.
Praise the Lord- I CAME HOME!!
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