When my husband, Mike, completed his 4-year-service with the Navy in 1998, we had the privilege of moving to a beautiful Christian Camp in the Sierra Nevada mountains of California. Mike’s position was Food Service Director and I was a stay-home mother to our two children. The serenity and tranquility of our mountain surroundings along with the 4-bedroom home the camp provided for us and the financial security of my husband’s job almost seemed like a dream-come-true. Three more children were born to us in the next 6 years. Without a doubt, our cup overflowed! “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; Surely I have a delightful inheritance”- Psalm 16.6.
After a new director was hired in mid-2004, several of our friends resigned from their positions at camp and many changes began taking place that made our camp feel more like a business rather than a ministry. The camp director that had been leading for several years resigned and a new director was hired. I felt the Lord distinctly telling me “I make all things new”. I thought He meant that He would make all things new at camp, but on January 19, 2005, Mike was abruptly terminated from his job. Our family had 2 weeks to pack our belongings and move. After devoting 6 years of his life to this camp and without any bad evaluations at work, my husband was fired. Only 3 weeks before my husband's termination, my parents had sold their home that they had lived in for 25 years and moved 15 minutes away from us to volunteer at another camp. This blow hit me severely because I thought that my prayers of having my whole family living close together had finally been answered. Breaking the news to Tiffany, Kaylie and Andy brought even stronger feelings of resentment because their best friends and cousins would be left behind.
On moving day, over a dozen friends from our camp and my Bible study came to load up our moving truck, care for the children and clean the house. We moved 4 hours north where Mike began working for his brother, John, learning the trade of an electrician. While we were very grateful that Mike was offered this job, the pay was only $11 per hour. After paying $1000 in rent each month as well as our Ford Excursion payment of $450 per month (plus the high auto insurance and gas prices that go along with a luxury SUV), we knew that we had to sell our vehicle and then use the $4000 left after paying off our auto loan to buy a used mini-van. (I am including some excerpts from my prayer journal, as you can see).
Feb. 7, 2005- “Please Father, I need a few minutes with You this morning. I’m desperate for Your Presence. Where have I gone? I know You’re still here, even in the middle of this city, so I must be the one who’s hiding from You. Lord, help me with bitterness against the man that fired Mike. I want justice for our family. Our family of 7 is supposed to survive on $50 for food for the whole month!”
A deep hollowness formed within me as I tried to hide the pain I felt over our forced move. My 4 older children were looking to me for answers, but being without any answers myself, bitterness overcame me. Lillia was only 5 months old and my exhausted body battled several bouts of mastitis. I refused to make our family’s rental house feel like “home” and most of our family’s pictures and knick-knacks remained boxed-up in the garage. This gave the rental home an even more foreign feel to it. Thankfully, my sister came over one day and suggested that we hang some pictures on the wall. March 2, 2005- “I have lost so much of this earthly life of mine- my home, financial security, not just my house- but my camp- my church, my friends, now our car, but I will gain more through these losses, not for my sake, but for Your glory. Help me lose my life so that I can gain Christ’s in me.” March 3, 2005- “This is so hard, Father. Life isn’t easy. My comfortableness at camp was a stumbling block. I was content with MY life. Help me to now be content with not knowing: Will we ever sell our car? How will we pay for food? How long will we stay here?”
Two months after our move, my sister's husband ended his job at camp and they moved only 30 minutes north of us. After finishing their volunteer service at camp, my parents bought a house one hour north of us. Upon hearing about Mike’s termination, gifts of money and food came pouring in. We received over $3000 to help pay for our moving expenses and our security deposit and rent. Even with these gifts, it was just enough to cover all the bills and living expenses.
March 23, 2005- “We sold our Ford Excursion today. I am so thankful we sold it and no longer have to pay the loan on it, but yet I am sad. Seeing that car drive away was like the final good-bye to my old life. ‘You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, O Blessed be Your Name.’”
April 18, 2005- “Dear Lord, help me to rely on You. Help me to be happy here or wherever You want us. The reason I’ve been having trouble is because I want ownership over my life still. Help me not to have this attitude! Help me to believe You and trust You. Forgive me for my lack of faith.” May 2, 2005- “Today is exactly three months since we’ve moved. It seems much longer than that though. Thank-you for the growth I’ve seen in Mike! He is eager to get up early and read Your Word! He wants You to be alive, active and living in our family! He has grown in wisdom so much since we left camp. The refining fire is never easy, but I know that the fruits of the trials will be worth it in the end. All glory to You, Father!”
Even though the used van we had just bought kept breaking down and our once-sizable savings account dwindled to nothing, God always provided for us in unexpected ways. Amidst all of the turmoil, our children adjusted easily and remained thankful and content. May 18, 2005- “Dear Lord, I am still angry. I’m very angry. I can say these things to You because You already know. I want to be a real person, so I will confess: I am so mad at You, God! Why did You do this to us? I don’t know why. I am angry and I’m angry that anger is in me. Can’t You see my tears? I realized that I’m struggling with belief. Do I believe You even love me? It’s so dark, stormy and windy outside. Just like my heart. I’ve been covering it all up- my emotions, the truth. Now that I’m writing about the camp that I loved for so many years, I now have to re-live all of the hurts. I just want this part of my life over and done with. I want to move on! Please forgive me! Please help me. Show me the path and I’ll walk in it if You hold my hand. Please come down here now and help me. Where You lead me, I will follow. But Why this city?”
June 24, 2005- “How can I sing to the Lord in this foreign land? (Psalm 137:4)”
July 5, 2005- “My Father, I thank-you. Two days ago we went and looked at a different rental home out in the country by our church. It was the house of my dreams, at least compared to any house I’ve ever lived in! It’s beautiful. It’s 90 years old, 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, a huge deck, fruit trees, a rose garden, tons of chickens running around, all in the middle of a walnut orchard! The owner said we can move in on the 15th- that’s only 10 more days!”
July 6, 2005- “Well, it’s my birthday. Today I am 29 year old, a wife for 10 years, a mother to 5 children, still feeling really young, but tired most of the time.” July 20, 21, 2005- “Dear Heavenly Father, we are here in the new house! The kids have been playing outside for hours everyday. It is so wonderful to sit here with a vase of fresh roses in front of me and listening to the rooster crow outside. Thank-you for opening this house up for us!”
August 1, 2005- “Rhonda (my sister) is moving to Portland in less than two weeks. Oh, I am so human because I am letting myself feel so discouraged again.” August 2, 2005- My devotional from Oswald Chambers:”The strain of life is what builds our strength. If there is no strain, there will be no strength. Are you asking God to give you life, liberty and joy? He cannot, unless you are willing to accept the strain.”
August 4, 2005- “Dear Jesus, I want to feel settled. How can I do this? My sister is moving far away and I don’t like this area at all. Our church is not what I would like- there are zero like-minded women there. I’m trying to teach a class with Mike, but... here goes again- I’m sick of being a whiner. Help me to be candid with You without having a lack of faith. This IS all part of Your plan for our family.”
August 10, 2005- “Dear Lord, I hit rock-bottom the night of Isaac’s 3rd birthday (Aug. 8). I felt so horrible. I’ve had fever blisters and a bladder infection for a week, but much worse than that was the emotional tension and anxiety I let myself become trapped in. That night I cried so much in bed. I don’t even remember much of what I said, just that my stomach hurt and my chest was so tight because of the sobs.”
August 16, 2005- “Rhonda moved to Portland and Lillia had her 1st birthday all on the same day. Keep me in Your presence, full of joy. Fill me with hope.”
Looking back, I felt shame over my lack of trust in God. I trusted the Lord when our family lived those 6 years at camp because my life had been easy and comfortable. Jesus led me on a rocky path so that my faith in Him would grow. I had been living my life with a dreaded feeling of defeat since moving from camp. It was clear to me now that this sense of defeat was from the enemy!
August 23, 2005- “O.K., Lord. I’ve had some time to collect my thoughts, talk pray, relax. Could it be that the reason we’re going through these hard times is because we have dedicated our family to You? Is it because we are being refined and tested to make way for something better for You than if we had just lived a life of luxury? If that is the case, please forgive my stubbornness. I repent once again of my lack of trust, from my own will. It was so much easier to write the family planning article when I was living in comfort. But actually having no other choices in life except this- what we did not want- I still must wholeheartedly say, ‘All to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give. I will ever learn to trust Him, In His Presence daily live. I surrender all, I surrender all, All to Thee my Blessed Savior, I surrender all!’ Help me remember this!”
Throughout all the months of my desperation, the Lord was at work. He had drawn my husband into a much deeper fellowship with Him and Tiffany made no hesitation in walking forward at church and asking to be baptized! With all that our family had lost, I had gained the gift of Mike’s renewed faith and Tiffany’s baptism. God began directing our hearts to moving to one of the Southern states. The circumstances surrounding us leaving camp and the months of financial and emotional uncertainties that followed were what God used to prepare our hearts for a very big move. Two emotional battles raged inside me: one was the desire to keep my side of the family physically united and the other was my desire to follow the Lord’s leading for us to “go out without knowing”. Many teary phone calls took place after I told my sister and my parents of our intention to move to The South. I could never pinpoint an exact reason as to why we were choosing to move so far away. We simply wanted to obey God's call in our lives. An enormous electric bill was given to us at the end of August which would cause us to be $350 short for our September rent payment. I felt so solemn that I wanted to cancel attending the Park Day with our newly-formed homeschool group. We barely had enough gas in our van to get to the park and back, but I knew if I canceled, I would be wallowing in my anxiety at home, so we went. The park was a welcome relief to me. I enjoyed the fellowship, but on the inside, I was burdened-down. Before we left, one of the mothers came up to me privately and said, “I wasn’t going to come today, but God told me to come. I want you to follow me to the ATM. I would like to give you some money.” I told her “no”, that I could not accept any money, but she insisted. When she handed me the money, I counted it and it was $360- enough to pay for our rent and also buy gas on the way home! I cried happy tears the whole drive home and Andy, who was 12, said, “How can anybody say that there’s not a God? This is from the Lord!”
October 5, 2005- “Dear Lord, after putting all of last week’s money and paycheck into rent, that left us with no money for a week. When Lillia wakes up, she’ll be down to her last two diapers. I think I’ll cash in a savings bond so we can buy them.”
October 11, 2005- “Lord, I’ve prayed that You will show us a sign as to when we should leave. Last week and this week, there hasn’t been enough work for Mike, so he’s come home early each day. Yesterday he worked only 4 hours. Today it was 6. Please open a door for us soon!”
Despite the rocky circumstances and my desperation, Mike not only grew in faith, but his joy grew as well. Others might have looked at our financial struggles as a firm reason to announce failure, but the opposite was true for my husband. Just to see Mike’s cheerful face or hear him talk with such confidence and boldness in the Lord showed me that no matter what the circumstances may be, my faith and trust in the Lord is all that matters. Our relationship as a married couple grew more closely knit than ever before. His steadiness and assurance made me view him as a knight in shining armor. October 18, 2005- “Dear Lord, last night I stayed awake until 11:00 working on Mike’s resume’. I think because I was doing that, I found myself thinking back to our life at camp and about Mike’s boss. I want to forget about it all and never again re-hash those memories that cause me to feel bitter. Please help me, Father! I do not want any strongholds in my life except You! Lord, I will be sending out two resume’s tomorrow for jobs in Tennessee. Your will, Father!”
Mike sent his resume’ to several companies in different states, but for some reason, we felt distinctly called to Tennessee. We had not yet mentioned this to anyone when Mike's dad announced that he would be resigning from his position at the church where he had pastored for ten years. He felt the Lord clearly telling him to move to Tennessee (along with Mike’s mother and 99-year-old grandpa). He would be taking his first break from pastoring a church in the 35 years he had been a minister. Only one week after Mike's dad shared with us the Lord's calling for him to move to Tennessee, Mike received a response to one of his resume’s at a Bed-and-Breakfast resort, west of Knoxville for the position of chef.
November 22, 2005- “Dear Jesus, it looks like we will be moving to Tennessee next month- around the 1st of the year! I’m in amazement at how all the details are working out. My mom and my sister are heartbroken. Please help ease their pain and hurt and anger with me.”
“But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. Though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me... He will bring me out to the light, and I will see His righteousness. It will be a day for building your walls. On that day will your border be extended.” Micah 7:7-9, 11.
November 27, 2005- “Lord, I’m getting so excited to fly back to Tennessee and see where Mike will be working. I must be honest with You, Jesus. I’m scared. I’m hesitant to fall in love with another place again out of fear that Mike will get “burned” again. These are not lovely, pure, true thoughts, so I ask that You take them away.”
December 16, 2005- “Please be with Rhonda. She is very sad. I don’t want to lose the closeness that we’ve shared, but I think she’s having feelings of animosity over us moving so far away.” December 21, 2005- “Dear Jesus, next week at this time our family will be on the road driving to Tennessee. Things are going amazingly smooth here at home with the packing and organizing.” The day after Christmas, we loaded the moving truck yet again. As difficult as it was to say good-bye to my parents that night, I did not leave them to empty arms. My parents have accepted the ministry to open their home to foster children. Each child that enters their home hears the story of Jesus and close to a dozen children have accepted the Lord as their Savior! We know that there was a higher purpose for us to move cross-country and even though we do not know all of the reasons why yet, the Lord was the One that opened every door for us to move.
January 1, 2006- “Dear Jesus, today is a New Year! Today we spent our first day at our new home in Tennessee! When You told me last year, ‘Behold, I make all things new’, I never knew how much so You meant it! You have kept us safe on our exhausting 5-day cross-country trip. Lord, there is so much to do, but not more than I can handle. I feel like we have a new hope, a new start in life!”
I unpacked my daily devotional by Oswald Chambers and read to my husband the entry for January 2nd: "Will you go out without knowing? Have you ever 'gone out' in this way? If so, there is no logical answer possible when anyone asks you what you are doing. One of the most difficult questions to answer in Christian work is 'What do you expect to do?' You don't know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to 'go out' in every area of your life."
I'd like to say, "The End" to the family update, but there will never be an "end" until we reach Heaven. As you can imagine, having a busy household of 6 children, I cannot update this page that often, so just trust that there will be more events and stories to add to the Family Update page, but they will get overlooked because I am busy living life!
Complete Brokenness -A poem I wrote when I felt very low, written August 2005, after I told my sister I was moving out-of-state