How should a parent discipline their child? "To spank or not to spank" seems to be the question going around these days among Christians. Some Christians believe in a gentle parenting style called attachment parenting in which spanking is considered corporal punishment and will leave lasting, negative effects on the child. Other Christians believe in strict, legalistic parenting in which the child should be swatted with a rod for every disobedient act. Is there any middle ground? How would God discipline us if He were here on earth as a Father? I believe we can answer that by looking at the Bible and seeing how He disciplines His children, the Israelites. Was He passive and gentle? Was He oppressive and hovering over them at all times, forcing them to obey? Did He punish their mistakes by turning the other cheek and letting them learn lessons on their own? Or did He swiftly correct them with physical force? Here are some things I have learned from researching different parenting philosophies:
Attachment parenting is perfect for babies who are so new to this world and innocent of this world's evils. They need the love, comfort, and cuddles that parents can give them. No training is necessary at the stage of an infant. But I believe attachment parents lose focus of their child's best interests when the infant reaches toddler stage and gets to be in the height of temper tantrums and the "Terrible Two's". By this age, a child knows right from wrong. They know better than to bite another child, to steal toys, and to throw their food on the floor. This is when a parent's training should begin. Genesis 8:21 tells us about man: "Every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood." We need to turn the evil tendencies as soon as possible and "train them in the way they should go." How should we do this?
God tells us what kind of discipline He is not happy with in 1 Samuel 3:13. Eli had spent his entire life in service to God. But in pursuing his service to the Lord, he neglected his parenting responsibilities at home. Verses 12 and 13 say, "At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his family- from beginning to end. For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them." God wanted Eli to restrain his children, but Eli didn't. He let them do their own thing and quietly overlooked their disobedience. This passivity on the part of the father brought judgment from God. So if God wants us to restrain them, how should we go about doing that?
Proverbs give us many examples of training and disciplining our children. Here are a few:
Proverbs 13:24- "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."
Proverbs 15:10; "Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path..."
Proverbs 19:18- "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death."
Proverbs 22:15- "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him."
Proverbs 23:13-14- "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death."
Proverbs 29:15- "The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother."
Proverbs 29:17- "Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul."
I believe that from the verses I have mentioned it is obvious that God commands parents to physically punish their children with a rod when they are disobedient. Does physical punishment automatically equal stern legalism and abuse? I believe the answer is no. I believe that a parent can give physical punishment without emotionally damaging a child. This relationship is shown continually in Scripture with God and his children, the Israelites, when they were rebellious.
Psalm 89:30-33 says, "If his sons forsake my law and do not follow my statutes, if they violate my decrees and fail to keep my commands, I will punish their sin with the rod, their iniquity with flogging; but I will not take my love from him, nor will I ever betray my faithfulness." This is true for us as parents as well: If your children do not keep your commands, you should punish them with the rod, but your love will never be taken away from them. By correcting your children's disobedience, you are showing them that you care too much about them to let them ruin their lives. You are training them in the way everlasting and giving them a heavenly example of how God treats His children.
If discipline sounds harsh, we must remember that "blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord" (Psalm 94:12). God tells us that despite His children's stubborn and rebellious ways, "Only if the heavens above can be measured and the foundations of the earth below be searched out will I reject all the descendants of Israel because of all they have done" (Jeremiah 31:37).
The rules for disciplining and training our children are the same one's the Jewish people followed thousands of years ago. God hasn't changed the way He parents us so we shouldn't look for an easy-way-out or a new strategy. Using 'the rod', or 'spanking', is God's idea, not man's, so let's stop explaining-away what we think is meant by 'the rod' and understand the fact that it means exactly what it says: spank your child when they disobey. Show love and compassion and mercy to them when they are sorry. Never should a child be spanked in anger. A child should never experience fear towards their parent during discipline! The bond of trust should never be broken when correct discipline measures are taken.
Parents have a tough job... knowing when to punish, when to hug and say, "I forgive you", and when to overlook the childish accidents. I pray that parents will turn to the Bible for parenting advice rather than reading contradictory philosophies given by others in today's books or websites. The only perfect, unchanging discipline handbook that we should be following is the Bible.
"As a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you." -Deuteronomy 8:5