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After getting through the first few pages, I quickly realized that this wasn’t my type of parenting book. The things Gary Ezzo was suggesting definitely hit a nerve. This wasn’t a book about helping my daughter naturally learn to sleep through the night. This book was proposing a completely different lifestyle to raising babies. I felt something from deep inside of me telling me that this was just not right. What exactly did I disagree with? I don’t have enough time to write about everything I disagreed with, but the main things I disagreed with are: 1)Parent-directed feeding, 2) Scheduling the baby’s whole day by sleep/eat/play, 3) He tries to instill fear into parent’s who co-sleep with their children, 4)Babies should be sleeping through the night between 6 to 10 weeks, 5) Mothers who demand-feed have trouble with let-down, have a low milk supply, and usually give up breastfeeding early, 6) Crying- he says baby’s cries should be answered using good judgement, but not necessarily right away, 7) Stimulation- He says it’s harmful to hold a baby too much; it might “spoil” the baby. He also promotes playpen time and blanket time. Whew! The list can go on and on, but I am going to touch on just a few of the above things I brought up.
1)'Sleeping/eating schedules'. Ezzo promotes his infant feeding program as saying the baby will adjust to eating at certain hours every day. He calls it a ‘flexible routine’, but I disagree with it. The most flexible routine for an infant is the routine they create themselves. Who cares what time it is? If the baby is hungry, feed it. Scheduling babies forces babies to meet the needs of the parents, but when we become parents, we are supposed to be subject to the needs of that new little baby. It is unnatural for babies to suppress their hunger. They don’t know what a schedule is. As an adult, I don’t schedule my sleeping and eating times because I don’t get hungry or tired at the same time every day.
My children have never been scheduled and seem to adjust quickly to changing circumstances. They just “go with the flow”. They are flexible to whatever is in the day’s plan. If we’re shopping and it’s twenty minutes past naptime, I don't feel like I have to hurry home just because "it's time" for my baby to take a nap. My babies didn't get too fussy or cranky because their bodies were used to complete flexibility, not scheduled routines.
2) 'Co-sleeping'. Parents have shared their bed with their babies since the beginning of time. 90% of the world’s population still keeps their babies in bed with them at night. It’s the ‘advanced’ countries such as the U.S., Great Britain, and Australia that started putting their babies to sleep by themselves in cribs. Why do the countries with the highest education levels always stoop the lowest when it comes to parenting philosophies? Why do we insist on reading books to learn how to parent rather than listen to our own heart? Why do we feel threatened by an infant's desire to suckle and therefore do everything possible to suppress that natural desire? Why do we label the breastfeeding relationship as something to be ashamed of and encourage bottlefeeding even though that choice puts our babies at much higher risks of illnesses? Why do we feel threatened by the fact that a baby is soothed and consoled next to its mother's warm body at night? Why do we choose to constantly watch the time to make sure it isn't past the scheduled nap time rather than simply enjoy our babies and let life happen?
Ezzo says that babies are at a much higher risk for SIDS if they sleep with their parents because the mother might smother her baby at night. I have heard this concern from other parents who find that sleeping with their babies is odd or dangerous. But have these parents taken into consideration the fact that a person subconsiously knows their sleeping boundaries? I worry about rolling over on my baby just as much as I would my husband rolling over on me at night. I am 5'1" and 100 pounds; my husband is 6'1" and 210 pounds. Shouldn't I be in fear that when he is in a deep sleep, he might smother me? No! How many times have you rolled off the bed at night? "Never", you say? "But you are only 2 inches away from the edge of your bed when you're sleeping! Aren't you afraid of falling off?" The reason people don't fall off the bed or roll over on their babies at night is because our brain subconsiously programs us to know where our sleeping boundaries are.
Gary Ezzo tries to instill fear by saying the baby will get in the way of the husband/wife relationship and if we keep our baby with us every night, then the marriage will suffer. How sweet is the concern this man shows for two grown adults over a helpless infant! Excuse me, but if a marriage is going to be ruined because a baby is sleeping next to its parents at night, then maybe the marriage wasn't on the best of terms to begin with. If parents are so threatened by their own flesh and blood sleeping with them, then there are some other issues to work out here. To neglect a baby at night is not going to fix this type of marriage.
Americans have some of the highest rates of divorce. How can that be? If we are one of the only countries to have our babies sleep by themselves at night, then the husband/wife relationship should be at its finest, right? Also, American babies have a much higher rate of SIDS than babies from third-world countries. These statistics don't line up with Gary Ezzo's teachings.
3) 'Babies should be sleeping through the night by 6-8 weeks'. I believe ten or twelve hours is a long time for a newborn to go without nursing. Little babies can get dehydrated very easily, so ten or twelve hours out of a twenty-four hour day without any fluids entering their body is dangerous. No wonder some babies who have used the Ezzo program have wound up in the hospital with dehydration. Ezzo says that children who are taught how to fall asleep when they are very young grow up with good sleeping patterns. They supposedly don’t suffer from insomnia or other sleep-related problems. Again, I want to know where he gets his statistics. On the contrary, I believe babies who are subjected to night after night of crying in their cribs without being answered are subjected to even more sleep problems when they get older. If teaching your baby to fall asleep by failing to answer their cries is considered the ‘natural’ way, then by all means, I’m going to do things the ‘unnatural’ way.
4) 'Breastfeeding'. Ezzo says that mothers who demand-feed their babies have problems with their let-down, can’t produce enough milk, and get so frustrated that they give up early. I remember one comment in the book that said, “A mother who puts her baby to her breast 10 or 11 times a day will produce the same amount of milk as a mother who puts her baby to her breast 4 or 5 times a day.” Basically, he was saying not to demand-feed your baby because you will be left frustrated because you won’t produce any more milk. That is a bunch of hogwash! What about these mothers who have successfully breastfed twins and triplets? They can tell you that a mother’s body will automatically produce more milk the more times a baby nurses, whether it is one child or two. Gary Ezzo says that mothers who feed their babies on demand are in bondage to their babies. For lack of a better term, I’d rather be considered in bondage to my baby than in bondage to a schedule.
5) 'Crying'. Ezzo says that normal babies cry for 2 or 3 hours a day. I disagree, unless it is a high-needs or colicky baby. Baby’s cries are meant to be answered. To me, unanswered cries means neglect. Ezzo believes that if a baby’s cries are answered right away, then they will become spoiled. A baby who is never tended to when they cry will eventually learn to shut-down and accept the fact that their needs are being ignored. They will stop crying when they are hungry or scared or lonely or bored. They will be very quiet babies. Of course, Ezzo looks at the quiet baby as a “good” baby. He says you will be complimented on your parenting if you follow his book because your baby will never cry. To me that is a bad sign! All those babies in Russian orphanages don’t cry anymore either. Would Ezzo congratulate those babies for being disciplined enough for learning not to cry anymore? Have you seen what the faces of those little babies look like? It’s a look of hopelessness. There is no glimmer in their eyes. They are very quiet and somber. The baby might seem like a good baby, but in actuality, what they suffer from is a broken spirit.
We need to remember how God, our Father, answers our cries when we are seeking Him and we need to model our Father's example. Does He want us to learn a lesson in patience by leaving us in the dark and being silent? No! He answers His children right away! He doesn't want us to become hardened and look to ourselves for our own comfort. Isaiah 30:19- “…How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears you, he will answer.” This is exactly what we, as mothers, need to do for our infants, yet Gary Ezzo preaches about using 'sound judgement' in answering their cries. I do believe in discipling children, but the idea of disciplining a newborn or an infant to have them mold into a schedule is absolutely selfish.
6) 'Stimulation'. Babies need lots of physical contact from birth. Limiting a child’s stimulation is cruel. Putting them in an infant carrier or a playpen for long periods of time does not stimulate their brain. Even if you put a mobile or a colorful toy in front of them, those things don’t compare to the stimulation your baby receives when they are held in your arms or in a sling. Just think about it- if you were a baby, would you get more pleasure and brain activity by being propped up to gaze out a window (as Ezzo states in his book to do) or by being cradled in a sling next to your mom’s soft skin and beating heart, walking around and viewing everything in sight? Would I rather be isolated in a playpen in a quiet room for 30 minutes a day (the recommended time by Ezzo) or with my mom or dad in their arms for as long as I wanted so I could look at new sights, hear new sounds, and feel new things. There is no comparison. I want my baby’s brain to grow and develop to its optimum level. That is why I didn’t subject them to play pen time or blanket time or infant carrier time for any length of time during the day. I held all of them as much as possible.
My mom brought up a good point. She pointed out to me after taking classes to be a foster parent and also having her own home day care, that if she were to follow the principles in the Babywise book (i.e., crying-it-out, withholding food until the designated time, keeping baby alone in an infant carrier, and for foster babies- letting them cry-it-out at nights in order to train them to sleep through the night) she would be charged with neglect. She would probably have her day care shut down, her license taken away from her, and she would not be allowed to do day care or foster care any more.
From my personal experience, I have enjoyed my babies so much when they were in the newborn and infant stage. I am a very relaxed mother and I like to parent with a relaxed approach. My children never were a “business” that I had to schedule into my day or that got in the way of my plans. What saddens me is that I have seen first-hand many mothers using Ezzo’s book who have lost a sense of freedom and joy with their babies. Life revolves around the clock and around the teachings in Babywise. I believe this book started off as a teaching tool to make life easier on the mothers, but what really ended up happening is that it creates a detachment (which varies with each relationship) that is very hard to regain. Nothing compares to a baby falling asleep in my arms or sleeping soundly next to me at a nap, but these things are tossed out the window if a baby never is given the chance to have this connection with mom. Is it really worth it to have your baby on a schedule and forego the togetherness that could be experienced? This doesn’t mean that I condone permissive parenting when a baby reaches toddler stage! A child needs to know who is in charge and that their parents have authority over them, but there is a drastic difference in maturity levels from a helpless infant to a witty 1-year-old.
I am no expert, but I have to share a little background with you. I have 5 children and have allowed all 5 children to sleep in bed with me at night. I remember friends telling me, "If you let them sleep in bed with you once, they'll always be in bed with you. It will be a bad habit that you won't be able to break." Is that true in my family today? No, it is not. My 12-year-old son does not sleep in my bed. My 7-year-old daughter and 5-year-old daughter are in their own beds. My 2-year-old son sleeps in his own bed. What about my 8-month-old daughter? I am happy to say that her little baby body still gets several good hours of cuddling in bed with mommy each night. She's slowly out-growing wanting to be in bed with me because she likes her own space, but I am thankful I didn't buckle under the peer pressure of "No kids in bed!" I would have missed so much warmth and tenderness as a mother.
It’s been several years since I kindly gave the “Babywise” book back to my friend. I told her ‘thanks, but no thanks’. I have to admit it was hard overlooking some of the things she practiced from the book. I was pretty bitter for a while, but found that if I focus on my own parenting and nobody else’s, I won’t let the devil get a foothold in my life. I don’t want to be bitter towards my friend or Gary Ezzo. I don’t want to become just another “Ezzo-basher” because I don’t think that is what the Lord wants. If I want others to change their parenting styles, then I need to show gentleness not just towards my children but also towards those who don't believe exactly the way that I do. I can’t expect anyone to want to be a gentle, attached parent if they see that my actions show hostility, judgement, and criticism.
I know it's hard. Mothers have so many emotions when it comes to babies. When I see a baby's cries being ignored, you're darn right that my natural instincts tell me that there is someone to blame for that and that I should take action to help that baby. Who else is there to point the finger at exept for the mother? All things aside though, as a humble Christian, I need to keep my emotions in check and remember that if I feel like pointing fingers at someone, I need to point my finger towards the one who gives the best non-condemning parenting advice- Jesus!
Dr. Francis sums up her assessment of GFI: "Babies are taught from the day of birth not to be demanding, and yet the parents are encouraged to be extremely demanding of their child's behavior. Children are not allowed immediate gratification (even as newborns), yet parents are given the right to have immediate gratification of every request. ("first time, every time")...Time after time, babies and children are expected to behave in ways that are inconsistent with their God-designed level of development in order to satisfy the (often-arbitrary) comfort of the parents...The GFI model contains a myriad of specific and detailed instructions for raising children. Within those instructions are gross distortions, blatant misrepresentations, and dogmatic assertions that are at best unsubstantiated, and at worst duplicitous...Age-appropriate, God-given needs are labeled as sinful...The knowledge of Christian medical and child development experts is being replaced by unsubstantiated opinion."
People/ Organizations who have publicly spoken out against Gary Ezzo and using
any of his material, including "The Babywise Book"
For excellent articles and resources, please check out these webpages:
Dr. Dobson/ Focus On The Family
John MacArthur
American Academy Of
Pediatrics
Living Hope
Evangelical Fellowship (one of the churches that
ex-communicated him recently)
La Leche League
Grace Community
Church (another church that ex-communicated Gary Ezzo)
CCLI-(Couple to Couple League)
WWW.EZZO.INFO
Excellent review by CCLI's Sheila Kippley!- A must read
Strict Scheduling for Infants
More Ezzo info
from BabyCentral.com
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