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A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience was different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every
trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the
show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the
ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do
anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea
with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each
other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for
a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could
not hold back: "Okay, I give up. Where's the boat?"
A blond called up the airline ticket counter and asked, "How long are your flights from Los Angeles to
Phoenix?" The counterman answered, "Just a minute." At which, the blond thanked him and hung up.
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots at waiters as they pass by.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey!Where are you going? You just shot at my waiters and you
didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a panda!Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Once upon a time there was a young entrepreneur named Bill Tate who wanted to go into business for himself. He decided that he would mass produce a hiker's compass. Being on a limited budget, Tate figured he would be able to make more money if he spent most of his budget on advertising and only a minimal amount on the compass production. His idea worked. Hikers from all over the country were buying his inexpensive compass. After a few months, however, the compasses started to fall apart because of the poor quality, which led many to remark: "He who has a Tate's is lost."
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."
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