Traditional Amish Humour Pages
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
An Amishman runs into the bishop of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the Bishop says.
"Well, Bishop", the Amishman says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
Amos and Eli were out hunting one day when Eli all but fell into a deep dark hole. Hey Amos, what do you reckon this hole is? asked Eli. Amos said it was an old mine shaft. How deep you figger it is? asked Eli. Amos suggested they throw in a rock and listen for it to hit bottom. They did, but never heard it hit. So they decided to throw in a bigger rock. Still nothing. Let us fuind something real big suggested Amos. Soon Eli was dragging an lod railroad tie out of the woods and the two Amishmen heaved it into the hole. A moment later, a goat sped past them and jumped into the hole.What was that? Eli asked. Looked like a goat, but I never seen one move so fast, replied Amos.
Shortly, an old timer sauntered out of the woods and asked the two Amishmen if they had seen a goat. Amos told about the goat that had raced by them and jumped into the hole. The oldtimer replied, That couldn't have been my goat. He wouldn't have been able to run that fast tied to that old railroad tie.
Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.
Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot. However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them. Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman. Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.
Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed an Amishman leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the Amishman. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the Amishman, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well," said the Amishman, scratching his head, "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Q: How do you fit 17 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction
. Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang?
A: Amish driveby shooting.
Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met an Amishman. He told the Amishman his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the Amishman.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the Amishman. "She doesn't know anything about cars."
One Sunday evening the Amish community had gathered together for a special meeting with a visiting preacher.
The meeting went well and the singing was grand. When it came time to dismiss, the Bishop asked Brother Caleb Troyer to dismiss the group in prayer. Brother Caleb started praying, and as he did tender words fell from his lips. With trembling he besought God's mercy.
Soon folk were going to the alter, praying, sobbing and many new dedications were made. In fact, the meeting broke out in a new spirit and continued on for another two hours.
That evening on the way home, Brother Josh Mast turned to his wife riding alongside him in their buggy. Josh said,"You know Martha, I have known Caleb Troyer many years. And Brother Caleb Troyer is a fine man, a hard worker, a good father and a good neighbor. I know Brother Caleb Troyer reads his Bible daily and prayers regular. Yep, Brother Caleb is a fine man, but he sure ain't no hand to dismiss a meeting.
An Amish couple drove several miles down a country road in their buggy, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws!”
An Amish lad is standing beside the road with a big load of wooden crates that just tipped over off his wagon. A man passing by notices the young man struggling to get the crates picked up. The young Amish lad is huffing and puffing and sweating profusely working very hard on a very hot day with the sun beating down on him. Theman asks the Amish lad why he is working so hard when it is so hot outside and he could seriously injure himself or get heat stressed. The Amish lad replies, that he needs to get these crates picked up or his father will kill him.
"You need to slow down," replied the man, "before the heat overtakes you. You should take a break."
The Amish lad relents to the advice of his elder, and the two sit under a shade tree and drink some fresh water the traveller happened to have with him.
The man then asked of the lad, "Where is your father? Maybe I should have a talk with him and straighten this all out."
"He's underneath all of them crates," answered the Amish lad.
An Amishman lived on a quiet, rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."
So the next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later, the Amishman again called the sheriff and said, "That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."
So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
Again, no change. So the Amishman called and called, every day for three weeks. Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."
He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the Amishman. After three weeks, he decided to call the Amishman and see how things were going.
"Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to the Amishman's house, and he saw the sign. It was on a whole sheet of plywood. Written in large, yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
An Amishman had stolen some lumber, and soon got to feeling very guilty about it. He was too embarassed to go to his Amish bishop. Thus he decided to go to confession at a Catholic church to deal with his transgression.
In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.
"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.
"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the penitent.
"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.
"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."
The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."
The penitent interrupted him. "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."
The priest then responded, "Now that's a little more serious!"
The penitent again interrupted the priest, "Father, I've got to get it off my chest. I built a doghouse, a 4-car garage, and a 5-bedroom 4-bath home!"
With a look of shock, the priest then responded, "Well, that is most serious. I'm afraid that you'll have to make a novena."
The penitent Amishman looked perplexed and then said, "Father, I don't know what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber."
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